After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
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Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you