Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
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As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Never forget.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.