The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
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I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: 鈥nd a weakness?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I鈥檇 want to know who鈥檚 paying.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 馃摑馃槶
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn鈥檛 anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.