[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
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[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else