[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
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person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]