Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
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The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
These aren’t even hard anymore.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
My work here is don’t.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
That seems a conundrum…
🤔