Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
the short answer to this question
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.