I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
You Might Also Like
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Denise please return my vape pen
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
There’s always that one guy
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad