I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
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me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
uncle dave has been through hell
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
new career option?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!