“TGIM!” – My liver
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5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO