A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
You Might Also Like
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER