You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
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Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Sorry not sorry.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.