[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
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me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.