If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
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Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Twitter remains undefeated
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.