Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
You Might Also Like
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Sending in my taxes
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Breaking news:
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Just had my nails done!
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”