[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
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I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Bike for sale
Every time.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!