6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
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Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Siri: Retweet me.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
🤭😂
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!