“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
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I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station