What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
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*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
“Theirye’re” problem solved
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening