What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.