ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
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writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My dog ate my work from home.