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*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.