Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
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My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Body by Oreos
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.