All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
You Might Also Like
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in