E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
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So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
DOOO EEEET
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.