my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
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[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I don’t know what to do
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup