GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
You Might Also Like
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
The options really are this bad
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again