“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
the rocks need my help
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…