If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
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math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.