I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
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Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.