I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
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You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
🙋♀️
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.