[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
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Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
this country is so goddamn polarized
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Just had my nails done!
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there