one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
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I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*