Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
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My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Boom, boom, ching!
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?