When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
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Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.