Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
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I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
nobody’s gonna understand