Good Morning.
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Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.