no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
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The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism