My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
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Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.