You Might Also Like
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.