Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
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This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
drew a comic about my origin story
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.