I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
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Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
and this one
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
The “baby” on the left….
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me