Carpe DM
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.