Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
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Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.