Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
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Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying