ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
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[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth