My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
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Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.