School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
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When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
This made me chuckle.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
i meant to share this earlier
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.