[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
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When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.