I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
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Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Wednesday
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Breaking news:
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.